Heya guys... I certainly hope yall had a good week. Its been a rough two weeks for me though. First off I got stood up on a blind date two thursdays ago I think it was. And not only did I get stood up but when i got home from waiting the girl cussed me out saying how ugly I was and how I didn't deserve to be seen with anyone and stuff like that. My feelings were really hurt. I wish it had ended there though. Last weekend all these girls started calling wanting to hang out and stuff which was really awesome but like luck would have it they lost interest by the following Monday and they haven't called me back since :(. Jolene and I were supposed to hang out with her friend Britany to watch Napoleon Dynamite and so I can teach them the little bit of dancing that I know, but she keeps getting busy at the last minute. In addition, I was supposed to go to New Smyrna to a b-day party for Joelle's friend since she invited me two months ago but I guess Katy decided for me not to come without telling me so i found out she uninvited me an hour before I was about to leave to go down there. Also I asked a girl I know in Folkston out (Folkston is 20 minutes northwest of me). She said she'd love to go out with me once her flu goes away well today was a week later and she just now got rid of her flu which is cool since I know alot of peeps that are sick for that long, but she tells me that two days ago someone else asked her out and she'd rather go out with them. Wow that kinda sucks too don't it? Haha I must really suck but lol oh well I can deal with it more or less (wine helps me with that :D ).

In other news, I believe I have fallen into a mobius dimension of some kind. No one answers their phone when I call and no one has called me back. No e-mails have been replied to so I hope I haven't fallen into another dimension that would kinda suck. I'm sorry I haven't been to church certain things like money( or the lack thereof) have prevented me from coming. Its been pretty lonely up here and the job search has pretty much been in vain since no one is hiring around here. My mom is getting more hostile towards me everyday. Its gotten so bad that I just pretend to be asleep until they leave at like 11 every morning even though I wake up at 7. *Sigh* I can't wait to get out of here and no offense to yall but I hope once I leave that my town and stuff gets nuked cuz too many hurtful people live up here. Then again my friend Chris and I hang out everyday from 8-9 for his lunch break and tonight we came up with cereal names like "Human-O's" and "Cat Flakes" for our futuristic comic book. Also thanks to Chris I am digging into my more ethnic roots and I found that I do like alot of rap music. Oh goodness Jay-Z freakin rocks! Well anyways I'm gonna go back to playin Knights Of The Old Republic 2 so ttyl. G-d Bless! (((Matt- B'Nai No'ach))) 

Howdy guys welp I made a few big mistakes lately. Apparently I wasn't supposed to go to MEPS until next week so I drove down to Daytona to sign some forms and pee in a cup (how lovely). My other big mistake was going to Murray Hill actually expecting to have a decent time. It sucked ass. I learned last night that no matter how much I try my best to look good or be friendly its not good enough for anyone of the female specie. I finally see that the truth that girls don't like me no matter how sweet I am or dressed up i get that will never change. When I go there when I ask a girl to dance only 3 things ever happen 1. They say they're too tired (but are up and ready when the next guy comes asking). 2. A polite "no thanks". 3. They say yes but just roll their eyes to signify they don't actually want to (Kari is really rather blatent about it). And then I get so pissed off when Aaron, Naveed, or Carter ask me why I'm not dancing. Well duh cuz no girls will ever give me the time of day! Last night I pretty much realized I am as hopeless as hopeless gets, if it wasn't for the army still wanting me I'd prolly have slit my wrists or ODed or something more productive than reawaking for another day of the same loneliness and aggravation. I'm tired of this world and I'm abhorred of the fact G-d surrounds me with all the happy couples and families but is quite blatent about proving to me I can never have any such happiness. I'm tired of being "sweet" girls couldn't care less about that, but its my nature so I guess G-d destined me to get myself hurt wow aren't I so lucky!!! Well I'm gonna go now my mom is being a total bitch to me so I'm gonna just go drive around looking for someone to race and finish off my bottle of wine in private. See ya.

Man I'm really starting to hate/love life. I hate it because it has its slight ups and then the dramatic downs, where hope is the one thing that will get you hurt the most. However; at the same time I love life because everything is changing so quickly that I get so many perspective changes that I feel I'm actually more alive with all the turmoil going on in my life. I thought things were looking up because I had friends an hour away nice enough to remember my b-day when my family didn't even do anything for my b-day. And then I finally have a room to sleep in, bed and all! But because I have a room now, my sister has gotten 20 times bitchier and my mom takes her side when it comes to my sister treating me like dirt. I hate it! I do my best to remain quiet and passive about everything no matter what they do and my mom still has the nerve to say I'm rude to them and that I need to watch my attitude. And they go through all my mail and what I write down in my notebooks. I have no privacy at all. Its like the only way I can keep them off of me if I start writing everything in Russian and only speak in it around them. I realized its my big heart that prevents me from fighting back when anyone wrongs me. Its my big heart that puts a big target on my back for people (most especially of the female specie) to walk all over me since I hold values of chivalry and kindness that has been long extinct and is no longer in demand. Ok well this is old news and old thoughts now out of the prologue and into recent events that reaffirm my feelings...

MY LIFE SUCKS!!! (simply put lol). I had everything worked out! Man this sucks ass! I was finally happy again. I had just officially gotten over my last break-up. And I was ready to move on and give up on girls for something with an actual soul (my car!). I had planned that every month I would put back money and each month I would add one new thing to my car to make it cooler (this month's was mirror window tinting). But as my position with God stands I'm only allowed to THINK I have a chance at being happy. Guess what! I'm out of a job! I don't have a money source for my new hobby. And I certainly don't have money flow to get anybody anything for Christmas! Man thats so not cool for the owner of my work to call it quits and close down shop two weeks before christmas! So tonight was my last day of work. I loved the people I worked with and now I never will again. I lost the one family I belonged to. I don't know when I'll find another job, but knowing around here it'll be a long time. So I begin fasting again yee-haw! No one is ever hiring around here especially at this time of year. I am so fucking screwed its not even funny! I have to pay my insurance this week and I don't even know if I'll have my last paycheck in time for that! So 3/4 of my last paycheck is going to insurance and the rest is gas money for looking for a job. I'm gonna have to sell everything I own just to get somebody something for Christmas. Its times like these I really want to give up being sober :(. Welp I need to go its getting late and I have alot to think about. Thanks for the b-day get together but I honestly don't think I'll be seeing any of yall any time soon if at all anymore. A beintot!

Hey people (using the term lightly of course). This past weekend has sucked. I went on the supposed date with Felicia last night down in New Smyrna. Of course leave it to her to bring a guy friend she was pawning all over so it wasn't a date at all! Then I didn't even get a hug goodbye! Thats utter crap talk about wasting my gas and time! I mean she wouldn't stop calling me or messaging me to make sure I was coming and then when I got there it was like I didn't exist! Grr I agree with Heather I must be too trusting that the girls are walking all over me and using me. Gah! I learned that being the sweet guy that I am and trying to be romantic means pretty much close to nothing to a girl. LOL oh well I'll deal with it cuz not all of you ladies are bad ( or at least thats what I still believe). And it doesn't even begin to end at last night! I kept getting a call on my cell in the middle of the night cuz one of my friends really needed someone to talk to but I'm a heavy sleeper and didn't hear it the first time it rang. When I picked it up the second time my mom was up and just started screaming at me saying I can't get phone calls that late, which is a decent request, but all she ever does to me is scream as loud as she can. And then this morning I told her I wasn't certain what time I was supposed to go to work and that I couldn't remember the placement of the numbers on the schedule and she actually fucking accused me of doing drugs!!! Saying that I'm almost 20 and that I should have perfect memory and that me being a druggie is the only explanation for me being gone on Sundays and wednesday nights and why I have bad memory with my work schedule. So this morning she spent a good twenty minutes accusing me of doing drugs and then an hour screaming at me how its my fault that my grandad is dieing and that because of my birthday and christmas she can't go to the funeral. I just want for once to lose my strong hold over my emotional control and yell back at her, break something, hit her, anything to tell her I have feelings too ya know? I still owe Jason 60 bucks for getting me Halo 2 and I'm really strapped on cash with christmas coming up since my mom said if I don't get her and my sis something nice for christmas then I'm being kicked out since they seem to think that I'm not putting any effort into being a family, but all my effort is being thrown into not killing myself right now with all thats going on and they don't seem to care how hard it is for me right now. Man my 20th birthday is tomorrow and the only thing I want for it is not to wake up anymore. Someone plz pray for a better ending than the one I'm hoping for. God bless!

Hey guys. Welp the last week has been very hard on me. Me and Joelle broke up for various reasons, and I've been having a really tough time dealing with it even though at first I was the one wanting to break up. Then my former best friend tried killing herself. Oh boy that felt great :(. Thank goodness she's alive still, but too bad i haven't been able to reach her very well lately. And all this happens on the eve of the worst time of the year for me : "The Holidays". Usually each year I spend the next four consecutive holidays (thanksgivng, my birthday Dec. 7th, Christmas, and New Year's) alone. Fortunately Lauren and Breana invited me to eat with them and I didn't pass up the offer. It was wonderful I had a great meal, good conversation, and even helped put up a christmas tree! It almost felt like I belonged to a family again which is something I've never really felt before. Welp that leaves only the other 3 holidays coming haha I'll deal with it. But its good to know that this year was a bit less lonely than all the others. I remember last year because of the divorce I spent all of the holidays just driving around looking for somewhere to be alone. For my 19th birthday, my parents had separate parties for me and were trying to outdo each other just for the sake of my favor regardless if they cared about me or not as long as they tried harder than the other... I never wanna go through that again so I think I'll just work on my b-day so I don't really have to see anybody. Welp I have to throw pants on and get out the door for work. I'd like to thanks the Mocks again for making me feel like I had a reason to wake up on Thanksgiving and I apologize for eating more than everyone else :P. Hehe anyways I gotta go to work now and earn the petty cash lol. God bless!

Wow! Once again I have failed to update regularly, but I'm not too bothered by it considering I fail at pretty much anything I attempt. Its been a stressful two weeks for me. Joelle and I were having our first little tough time two fridays ago when she spent the whole date I took her on texting other guys on her phone. Oh yeah you can imagine that made me feel wonderful :(. But we resolved that and the date after that was great fun considering we went rollerblading (first time for me in 12 years lol) and then "chilled" at the park for awhile as our legs healed from all the exercise. Then Chris and I were headed down there for a double date with Joelle and her friend Felicia last Saturday. Unfortunately God decided it'd be a great joke to kill my car in St Augustine so I was stranded on the side of the highway an hour and ten minutes away from home and no one was willing to come help me out except for my father. My mom has been screaming at me non-stop for about a week for every little thing she can think of. And just today after work Joelle calls me and she tells me about a guy friend of hers that likes her and how she likes him too and has known him longer so she's confused as to what to do. Gee I feel she might as well had taken my bat'leth (one of my swords) and jutted it into my abdomen. Oh well I dunno what will happen now ya know? Its just like I'm offended that she even has to think about who to choose know what I mean? I do everything I can for her if thats not enough well oops I'm sorry I'll go my own way (France lol).

Also in other news, I've decided I just wanna be alone at church. I have nothing in common with anyone else thats there so I decided I'm just gonna go off on my own. I mean the only one of yall in Jax that even calls to check up on me or anything is Heather and she's not even a christian. So I don't have any form of fellowship outside of church and I don't have much at church since I'm asked to join yall and then left out of everything yall do so its like a real slap in the face everytime I go to church. Don't get me wrong I love going to church I just think it'd be best for me emotionally and spiritually if I worship by myself. It only makes sense since I go there and leave alone that I should be like that there since its so hurtful to be around that crowd in worship (especially when I'm asking for advice and somebody will start to help and then turn around and hold conversations with the whole rest of the group). Being at C&C reminds me of how much I don't fit in with anybody and how lonely it is to be struggling with Christ. I'm praying that God will help me figure out what to do but I'm totally lost and I have no clue what to do or if I'm even being rational about my feelings. Anyways I think I'm gonna take a break and think some things through since I have so much shit on my mind holding me down in the depths of depression. God Bless!

Holy cow! I haven't posted on this in awhile! What ever happened to me posting on this thing everyday? I sure did lose my way... Anyways I think I'm gonna start trying to rectify that and post alot more often (not like anybody reads this anyways lol). As you can tell my gf posted last on here. Isn't that nice so now she can post on my blog too (I just hope she labels her posts so yall can tell the difference :). I missed everybody at church last night. It was kinda creepy not having anybody but Jon there and him being himself is creepy enough as it is (I never knew arrogance could radiate so thickly from one person.) I don't see how anyone can actually stand to be around him he's so condescending and self-absorbed not to mention pretty childish too. Oh well this isn't a bashing blog I just kinda got carried away saying my opinion and I'm sorry. Speaking of Church I finally finished the book of John!! Now that I have no reference point for anything else I'm starting at the very beginning at Genesis. Yee haw I can't wait to get that done.

Welp tomorrow is Friday and I go see Joelle :). We've been waiting for it to come since I had to drop her off last friday. We're going to see "Saw" but for the rest of the day we have no plans so we'll prolly just improv the rest of the day ;). We've been seeing each other for over a month now isn't that crazy?! And so far she has taught me a few things and they are:
                                                     1. Sales are a good thing :).
                                                     2. That I am actually loveable.
                                                     3. I need alot less control when we're together ;)
                                                     4. It is possible for me to fall in love

Also I felt really good yesterday. My friend at work, Lori, commented on me always being in a good mood and asked me if I was ever in a bad mood since when I'm with them at work I'm always joking around or trying new recipes or even pretending I'm doing an infomercial. So I pretty much keep everybody's spirit up and I never even realized it until yesterday when Lori asked me why I'm always so happy and Jason said " You are our little ray of sunshine" Oh my goodness! I just had to hug them! It was a good day at work to say the least. But I don't know who I work with today so I have no clue if it'll be as fun as usual. Welp I gotta go and get off so my mom can check her e-mail and anyways I'm missing MacGyver so gotta run to the living room! E-mail me sometime give me something to do! God Bless!!!

Heyla people! I know I've been too busy to post on here or to e-mail anyone but I guess that comes with the territory of being in love lol. I'm sorry I skipped swing night but I wanted to surprise Joelle at work and take her out on her lunch break. Neither of our parents know we met up Friday night. Some people that she knew going by on bikes caught us making out on her lunch break in my car lol it was kinda funny. Other than her lunch break I didn't see much of her Friday even though I hung around the area  until she got off of work, but they closed alot later than usual so we didn't have any "us time" after she got off so we both had to go home.

Saturday I worked all day and it went by slowly because I was really anticipating Sunday morning since me and Joelle had a whole day planned. I was so giddy about it I woke up at 4:30 AM and got there at 7 AM so that we could spend every minute of the day we could together. Thank goodness I did, because when I took my baby-gurl to breakfast her boss showed up and told her she had to show up to work at two instead of four! I was so pissed off at that wench not only for screwing our day up but for that smug look on her face she had knowing I drove three hours to see Joelle and that she was ruining our plans. I swear if I wasn't so passive I would have pegged her with my glass of orange juice lol. We still had a good day together. After breakfast we went back to her place to watch Orgazmo, which is a hilarious Trey Parker movie. Unfortunately Joelle's mom walked in at like one of the bad scenes where it looks like a porno and she had us turn it off. Then we went to Manatee Park and we cuddled on the bench and I climbed a tree like the monkey I am :). It always feels so perfect having her in my arms, I don't deserve such a great person ya know? She really makes me feel alive and makes me feel that I wanna stay alive.

Anyways after the park we go back to her house and got her portable radio and we went to an empty park and played some latin music and danced for a little bit. We played on the play ground and I chased a squirel. Little did I know the squirel stopped right under the steps that I was jumping near so as I'm about to land from my jump I see the bushy tail underneath my feet! OMG I thought that little thing was gonna bite me considering I nearly squished him and I jumped back on the playground as soon as I hit the ground cuz I did not wanna get biten hehe. By that time it was time for joelle to go to work so I took her to lunch at BK beforehand and we sat in the parking lot of her work listening to Rascal Flats and cuddling in her driver seat. Once she went into work she asked me if I was gonna stay to take her out on her dinner break 4 hours from the time and I agreed to drive around the town until 6 (time sure does go by when you're reading comics in a book store). We went to Mickie D's and they took forever so that killed our lunch break together plus her  weird stalker guy friend in Pennsylvania (thats what I call him anyways) called. So him calling killed the rest of my time to spend with her :(. I was kinda upset about that because that Tim guy always calls when me and her are together and he always burns the time me and her have together up and it just gets under my skin. Oh well I'll deal with it, because Joelle is well worth the patience :).

Hey guys it seems that all of you have had quite a bit going on and I wanna do my best to be a friend and comfort you (isn't that nice of me? hehehe). I know your friend died and I'm probably certain I didn't have the priviledge of meeting her before and I regret that, but these things happen to all of us. Its these incidents and how we react to them that make or break the foundation of our character. I know all of you will miss her and since I don't know her its not gonna be hard on me pretty much at all, but knowing that someone the rest of yall knew and loved had died brought me to tears. Its weird how about a month ago I wish wishing to die, I'd even jump out in traffic daring people to hit me, but God had a different purpose for me and he helped me to find the Lord and then a special person walked into my life and changed how I felt about my life. And under my same point God had a purpose for Ashley in Heaven so he needed to have her go up there. On a lighter note look at it this way: her going to Heaven is alot like her moving to France...we really can't get a hold of her but we know she's somewhere alot better than here :P!